The art of reflection

Follow my blog with Bloglovin Reflection is something that I have learnt to do a lot this year and something that I actually believe to be crucial to our success in adulthood. Whilst in my teen years and earlier twenties, I was often reckless, I made decisions often fuelled by emotion and didn't take time to reflect on situations or to take a deep breath instead of reacting. There is something about looking at a situation, and sitting down and taking time to think about it, a really good long hard look at it,  to sleep on it, to think about it again the next day, to discuss it with your friends and try wherever possible to understand the other perspective whether that be another person or just another way something could have worked out. Some people are natural reflectors, normally those with a more logical personalities, I have never fallen into that camp, I have always been spontaneous and wore my heart on my sleeve meaning I often react to situations more quickly and make rash decisions.

I wanted to write to reflect on 2018, more for me than for anyone else however, it felt a bit soon - we are only in Mid-November and still have another month to go. Then I thought about it, surely reflection should form a part of monthly, weekly and every day life. When we reflect, we learn, we can analyse mistakes and decide to take some wisdom from them. I think the art of reflection - no matter where we are in life is probably one of the best things we as humans can do. So without further a do, here is the Gem roundup of 2018 and all of the things I have learnt and experienced so far:

Travel
I have learnt to love travelling, to enjoy experiencing new cultures, to have a desire to see more of what the world can offer. As a highly anxious person I have found travelling difficult in the past however, feel I have really embraced it over the last year and although, I haven't explored the whole world and haven't even ventured outside of Europe yet - I am really proud of the places I have visited this year and feel that the breaks and the memories I have made will last a lifetime. I visited Dublin, Ireland for New Years which was just so fantastic - the Irish know how to party and I am so excited to be spending my new years in Dublin again this year. I also visited Rome,  Italy which was possibly my favourite destination ever - the culture and history was just incredible and every time you turned the corner in Rome you would stumble across something really beautiful and breathtaking. In the summer I ventured to one of the Canary Islands, Tenerife and I also visited Rhodes in Greece with some of my girls for two really relaxing holidays, both were lovely, great for catching some rays and some sunshine. Each trip will forever hold some great memories for me and I think it's really important that I continue to explore new horizons and experience more of the world in 2019. On my list for next year are an American Trip mainly to Vegas, New York and LA and I also want to visit Paris and Amsterdam.


Relationships
Possibly one of the biggest lessons I learnt this year was around companionship and love. I was lucky enough this year to meet somebody who was incredible. They became my best friend and team mate instantly and we had one of those connections that you don't really feel will ever happen to you. It didn't ever seem possible to me to find somebody who was my best friend, partner in crime and somebody who I loved. Unfortunately, due to timing and where we both are in our lives it didn't really work out. What I learnt? Heartbreak is harder when you really care about the person. In other breakups I didn't have the same amount of mutual respect for the other person. When you really love someone all you want is for them to be content and happy. I learnt that when you are with the right person it makes you a better version of yourself, they will help you strive to be better, to want to work harder and to achieve more, they will back you at any minute and they will want you to be all that you can be without ever trying to hold you back. Life is tough and to have somebody in your life who makes every day seem easier is a real plus. I guess I learnt not to settle, the relationships I have in the future will need to be of this magnitude and I am a big believer that if you experience true love and you let it go, it will come back to you. It was important that I closed this chapter for now, but I would never rule out re-opening it.

The other relationships I invested heavily in this year were the ones with my friends and family. I feel like this year was the year where I realised who I wanted in my circle, who I didn't need and who was going to be in it forever. I no longer chase those friendships which are half hearted or one-sided. I let go of those relationships that were toxic or negative. I have a really close and small circle of best friends and those friendships are incredible, I've worked really hard to keep a strong connection with these people, to help them through their bad days and what I have found from investing in the right relationships is that you will never feel alone, you will always have great people around you if you decide who those great people are and work to build your friendships. My best friends have made me feel so loved and supported all year and my family are just angels and I am so lucky to have such a supportive network around me.





















Self Love 
The other love I learnt a lot about this year was self love. Self care, self love, 'putting yourself first sistaaa' is something I read constantly on the internet, it's all over Pinterest, people tweet about it and to be quite honest until this year I had no clue what the hell it meant. I struggle with anxiety, I have had some really sad and down times and by nature, I am very empathetic, I care more about others than I do myself, I prioritise other people and their feelings more than I do my own. This is not healthy and this year I learnt that. Last year, after years of suffering I went to hypnotherapy and cured my insomnia and learnt ways to deal with my anxiety. This year, from the very start I decided to focus on myself, I stopped saying 'Yes' to absolutely everything and overcommitting myself, I started to read books about personal development, improvement and growth. I exercised more. I started to journal and write down my thoughts, I started to practice gratitude and positivity. I started to take more 'me' time. This doesn't mean that this year has been easy or that I've not had moments where I had a panic attack, was up all night and felt completely out of control of my world. It doesn't mean that at all. But what it does mean is that I have achieved so much this year, i've spent the majority of the year laughing and smiling. I see the positive in almost everything, learn lessons from my mistakes and always try to grow and be a better person. This month I have struggled with anxiety again following breaking my foot and being stuck in my house far too long. I have got straight back to it, i've allowed myself a bad day, I read books, I watched inspirational people via Ted Talks, I re-downloaded my meditation apps, I surrounded myself with only positive people, I deleted Facebook and took a break from social media. And all of these things have helped me, I don't think I will ever stand up and say that I am fantastic or that I am 100% happy with the person I am. But I will say, that I try my best, I'm kind and thoughtful and I bring out the best in other people, I would be missed if I was to disappear tomorrow and I know that I have a really bright future ahead of myself if I continue to work hard at being the healthiest, best version of myself. In that respect and after writing that all down, I feel quite emotional - there was a time when I really couldn't see the wood through the trees and I felt I would never conquer feeling awful and now I can sit here and say that instead of crying daily, I cry once a month and I smile daily and that progress is something I am really bloody proud of.

Career Building
For those of you who know me you will know I work for the NHS and have for the past 6 years, it is a rollercoaster ride, it is difficult to work in the face of such public and political pressure and I think all NHS workers are really trying to hard to keep what sometimes feels like a sinking ship a float. For me, this year I finally worked out what I wanted to do with my life, I finally worked out what I was good at and I finally conquered some fears. This year I went from the girl who would sit in the corner of the meeting and not really contribute to the girl who would stand in lecture theatres in front of hundreds of people and help to change their behaviours. I became somebody who inspired others, I would walk into Theatres and Wards completely out of the comfort zone of my desk and I would talk to people, I would help them to find solutions, I would take their negative mindset and help them to find a positive one. I would coach people, I would help to learn, I would help them to feel better by the simple power of changing their mindset and it made a difference. It made a difference to me, it made a difference to them but it also made a difference to lives of patients. I've spent time sat in the Chemotherapy Ward and i've helped the nursing team become more effective, to consider their behaviours, their mindset and to look at things through the patients perspective. This was huge. The sense of achievement from going into work and making a real difference to peoples lives is incredible, it's something I would never give up, it's simply the best feeling in the world when we get it right. That does not mean i've not had challenges, I was petrified of public speaking, but the power of the mind means you can overcome those hurdles you didn't think you could. Later on in the year, I had other challenges such as dealing with some difficult work relationships, that's tough and being professional in the face of adversity is difficult. But what I have learnt is to be kind no matter what but to send boundaries and stand up for yourself.

I would say that all of that is pretty bad ass for one year, I am so excited for the next chapter of my life, for 2019 to come rocking and rolling in and for me to become even more than I have this year. The journey to self discovery is challenging but so worth while and rewarding. In 2019 I want to achieve the following:

• Get my blog on - It is so therapeutic to write. I love to write and I love my blog and I want to get it back to the best it could be and invest a lot of my spare time in it. I think having a hobby is really important.
• Start my Psychology Degree - As i've said i'm naturally empathetic and kind and I love to help people, I found my niche this year in human interaction and I want to understand the human brain more. Next year I want to begin my Psychology degree and I want to continue to learn more about the area I feel really passionate about.
• Health and Wellbeing - Next year is the year that I want to continue on my self love / mental health journey but also I want to step up exercising and becoming a healthier version of me so I have the most energy to conquer whatever next year throws at me.

Let me know what your yearly reflections are and your goals for moving forward! I'd love to hear all about it.

x

My journey with endometriosis

If you are unlucky enough to have heard of this word, then you are probably a sufferer of this condition or have a friend or family member who is. In fact, we probably almost all know somebody that suffers. Latest research published on the Endometriosis UK website suggests that 1 in 10 woman of reproductive age in the UK suffer and 10% of woman in the world, that equates to 176 million of us worldwide who have this experience. In fact endometriosis is the second most prevailing gynaecological condition in the UK however, is not often recognised and diagnosis time takes on average 7.5 years from a woman first experiencing onset of symptoms to receiving the diagnosis and subsequent treatment.

The research that I have conducted for this article has taken me to the far corners of the internet and the more fact and figures I read about it the more upset I have become. I think the first thing we need to all remember is that this is real and just because we have a uterus does not mean that we deserve to live through this level of pain on a daily basis or that we should accept it. I think the culture of woman, particularly in the western world is one wherby we get on with things, we keep going. We don’t want to be seen as moaners, negative or always complaining. I want to start this by saying – you are not grumbling, you have a serious and extremely prevalent health condition and you are allowed to mention it. You have permission to tell your male counterparts about it without feeling like you are making them feel uncomfortable because you dared to mention the womb. This is an invisible disease; please help me to make sure it isn’t a silent one too. 176 million of us are enough to start a bloody loud conversation surely?

I am going to start by sharing my story; it is a long but relatable one and a journey I think is highly worth telling. I am now a 24 years old young woman and my experience with this illness started when I was 15. 10 years of existing with it and I think it's important for us to raise awareness, for us as woman to stand together and support our ovarian sistaaas and to tell tales of survival. When I reflect back to when I was a scared fifteen year old it would have been a relief had there had been someone slightly older, wiser and with a bit more life experience to support me, show me there was hope and to reassure me that I would be okay. 

Throughout my late school years and through both of my years at sixth form I suffered, I had never at this time heard of endometriosis until it completely turned my life upside down. It’s not something I like to talk about and many of those people who are close to me will have never heard of this story themselves but I feel if I write this it may possibly have the potential to help a woman or young girl just like me.  

The first time I suffered with endometriosis was when I was 15 and studying for my GCSEs. I started my periods incredibly young whilst I was still in primary school and don’t even remember not being in agonising pain. I remember one Saturday I had been having a mooch around town with mum, I came home and started to feel unwell, I told my family, complaining that I felt headachy and nauseous but this wasn’t a unique thing for me to experience, I walked up stairs to go and lie down. I didn’t get the opportunity to, my legs began to shake, and the nausea increased. Next came the pain, I got shooting pains down both sides of my body, it felt like someone was stabbing me over and over and I know that I will remember that day for a lifetime. I was in floods of tears; the best way to describe it was the worst possible period pain you’ve ever felt times by a million. It was excruciating. I remember calling for help as I fell to my knees and sobbed. My mum came running up the stairs and looked quite horrified by my appearance, she literally picked me up, tucked me into bed and tried to calm me down until I fell asleep.

Several hours later I woke up and felt completely fine. The drama of the hours before seemed to have subsided. The next day I was okay until the evening. Then Monday came and I was meant to be going to school, for some reason I was very hesitant to go, I decided to stay at home. I was watching some day time TV and then I started to feel worried, my GCSE’s were coming up and I felt I should be revising, I remember my history folder being on the floor beside my bed, I bent down to pick up the folder and immediately the pain came back. I was on the floor in an instant, screaming and trying to fight the horrible pain that had my whole body struck, I cried and cried for what seemed like hours and eventually rang my mums work when I couldn’t take the pain any longer for her to come rushing home.

This is when it began, I went to the doctors, they said it could be that my appendix had burst, I’d get sent to the local acute trust daily for them to send me home with ‘woman’s problems’ as the diagnosis and was told to take paracetamol. I had to go to the doctors every single day; I had blood test after blood test and daily observations. I would see several GPS who all told me I was a ‘mystery’ and I was probably just stressed and should revisit if the pain got worse. I had weeks of school that first time, the pain didn’t go away and I was no closer to a diagnosis. I was frustrated, there was something wrong with my body and I felt no one was taking me seriously. Over a month off school and I returned to do my GCSE’s, it was horrific – I didn’t feel like me, I felt like something had taken over my body and I didn’t know whether I would pass even the most basic exam. A few months later when I received my results, which meant I could go on to do my a-levels I was overwhelmed with relief.

I had a very poor attendance at college; I scraped through lessons, barely ever did a whole week and constantly felt stressed and anxious. I took 4 a-levels, I couldn’t attend all of the lessons, I was physically too ill too. Some days I would lie in bed in the foetal position because the pain was so bad and other days I would be so tired because of the physical aspects of the illness that I hand on heart couldn’t get out of bed. I was determined to succeed though and I did. My family were absolutely fantastic, my mum was my number one supporter, she attended every single one of my frustrating doctors appointments with me and and my brother and stepfather were so respectful and supportive too. As the illness worsened and in my second year of sixth form I really felt like giving up. It seemed impossible that I could get through my a-levels, my teachers didn’t believe there was anything wrong with me, some even referred me to as lazy and a lot of the time I contemplated quitting and giving up on it all. My GP appointments continued to be frustrating and some GPs even began to question my mental wellbeing.

I was three years down the line and I was being sent to specialists in gastroenterology was subjected to many tests, including an invasive endoscopy procedure. Every single test came back clear. I felt like I wasn’t being listened to, my instinct was that this was a gynaecological problem. Eventually, after much pleading with a GP from my practice I was sent to see a specialised gynaecologist in the local private hospital. He changed everything, for a while I had been considering endometriosis, my mum and aunt had both suggested the possibility to me and after lots of research I really thought this was the cause of the pain I had been suffering. The consultant I saw instantly thought the same, and immediately booked me in for a laparoscopy.

In July, I had my laparoscopy procedure – three and a half years after experiencing my first symptoms. It was scary and nothing could have prepared me for the emotion I would feel when I woke up and the consultant showed me images from inside, I was diagnosed with severe endometriosis. I cried a lot, I wasn’t crying because of the diagnosis, I was crying that there had been one, I was crying because I was so relieved that something was actually wrong medically and I wasn’t crazy like everyone had thought. The procedure had been painful, but not excessively so given it was keyhole, the consultant had removed away a lot of the endo tissue. The next week, I received my a-level results and was chuffed to bits that I had passed all 4 subjects with good grades.  I wasn’t able to do what normal 18 year olds would do which is go out and celebrate, and it had been a period of real isolation for me. At 18 you should be partying, going out and being young and free. That was not my reality. 

The procedure was the best thing that happened to me and made the next few years of my journey much easier. That is not to say I do not still experience daily symptoms and pain, because I do. But it does mean that for the first time in years life became bearable again. Symptoms such as headaches, nausea, and constant lower back and leg pain became an ordinary part of life. I have lived with chronic pain and perhaps the thing I have struggled with most is the significant fatigue and lack of energy. I think we sometimes forget how physically and emotionally exhausting having a chronic illness is. My symptoms worsen during the dreaded time of the month, and I use the mini pill to elevate some of my symptoms, but endometriosis is definitely part of who I am.

However, to those of you out there at the beginning of your journey who think you have a bleak future in front of you. I don’t believe that is the case. I function and live like any normal 24 year old, friends and colleagues will undoubtedly read this and be shocked. I work for the NHS full time and have for the last six years. I am still very close to my family; I have the most incredible friends in the whole entire world and a support system, which blows me away everyday. I travel because I love too, I go out, I sing, I dance and I go on adventures, I’m active, I’m never home, I work really really hard but I also live a fun and fulfilled life. What endometriosis has taught me is strength. I am so much stronger than the 24 year old version of myself who didn’t live through this. I am brave because I have to be but I am also so compassionate and empathetic, I believe that every single person in life is struggling with something that the rest of us are not aware of and I always try to be kind and show love and support to those around me. This doesn’t mean that given the opportunity I wouldn’t kick my endometriosis to the curb or bury it in the depths of hell – but it does mean I don’t see it as the enemy anymore.

Endometriosis has opened a door to a struggle with mental health for me, it is easy to feel isolated, lonely, anxious, depressed and as if there is no good in the future for you. In actual fact, the hormone changes your body experiences and the hormone balance does this to you. But to feel sad, is a choice, every mind-set is. I now choose to live a life of abundance, happiness and gratefulness. I choose to deal with the situation life has handed me and be positive about it as much as I can.

I have also spent a lot of time over the last few years worrying about my fertility; it is scary to think that motherhood might not be an option for me. Actually, it’s terrifying – I laugh and joke with my friends about how I would be a rubbish mother anyway, but in reality most young woman want the opportunity to be able to have children. What I have learnt, is that so many woman with this illness go on to give birth to beautiful children, I have friends that have done that. Science is constantly evolving and there are so many more options for us all then there were 20 years ago, there is hope. And I think hope has to be our focus.

If I could give any advice, to the 15 year old me, to every young woman who is reading this or every mature woman who I am sure has a lot more knowledge and wisdom on the subject than I do. I would say fight, fight it, keep going and make your future bright and great. Do not let this one thing define you. Do not let it stop you doing the things that light you up, that you love. Please don’t let it steal your happiness. You control that. This illness will sometimes give you limitations and there will be days where you cannot get out of bed, but on the days you can you owe it to yourself to go and live a wonderful and beautiful life. If anything be proud – own it, tell people you have a chronic illness and yet you are still a total and utter bad ass. I choose to feel lucky, I am not terminally ill, I have the hope of tomorrow and a future and many people in this world don’t have that. Let this illness improve the person you are, let it make you determined to strive for greatness and make the days you feel good mean something. And when all else fails, remember you are not alone – there are millions of woman feeling exactly the way you do.

New beginnings...

This is an empty space..

I used to write on this blog and I used to write about beauty and fashion and people liked it. Actually, they loved it. I loved it, I was 18 and the blogging community was somewhere that felt like home at a time when I hadn't discovered myself or who I wanted to be.

Words were always easy for me, I'm good with words and people in all aspects of my life tell me that. I can write and I do, often, every day and I feel at peace writing. My blog was something I was extremely passionate about and then I changed. We have all been young and utterly in love. I don't know why we romanticise life but I know I do, and he helped me to write my blog and take pictures and he read every single thing I posted and after our five year relationship broke down and I felt aaaalll the emotion through the very first time my heart got crushed - the blog felt like part of that. So I stopped and I think when I did a part of who I was disappeared too.

To write is important, and after much reflection I realise that what is pretty cool is that when we are no longer here, when we aren't present or can't feel the air hit our lungs what can we leave behind is our words. One really powerful way to leave a legacy is to leave a written one. One that could be part of forever. I often wonder whether the likes of Shakespeare, Napoleon or even Jane Austin would ever dream that their words would be reference point for people hundreds of years into the future, whether they had any grasp or concept of the way in which they would inspire literature forever. I am sure they didn't and I am sure when they first started to write their first book, sonnet or play it felt quite alien to them.

After any space from anything or having not done something for a while, it can feel like trying to ride a bike all over again, and the faster you try to go the more you shins get bashed and your foot gets stuck in the peddle and sometimes if you're really unlucky, you end up getting thrown right over the handle bars. But even when you hit the tarmac and grace both elbows - that doesn't mean we should give up.

So, I am going to give this another go, I am going to write again and even if no one ever reads it - I will continue to write because, this is my tiny way of leaving behind a legacy.

This is a completely and utterly blank, empty space and that excites the absolute hell out of me. The future used to scare me, the unknown used to terrify me and that's how I know I have grown because now all I see on this empty page is opportunity. And I know if I keep going then one day this place won't be so empty or have so many posts about my favourite lipstick - (clearly Mac angel was a fav back in the day!)